2. The Topeka Problem

I think a lot about the Topeka problem.

It comes to me via Dr. Charles Lewis, my favorite professor in college, from whom I took classes with titles like Hegel, Kierkegaard, and Nietzsche and Philosophy of Religion. Dr. Lewis’ teaching style had all the theatricality of my own dad’s performative lectures, and despite their disparate subjects—Dad taught chemistry—I saw a lot of my father in Dr. Lewis. Which I guess is why I thought so highly of him. And craved his approval.

Dr. Lewis’ classes changed my brain, cracked the code on critical thinking for me in a way that nothing had before. One of the big questions I carry from those classes is, “How do we know what we know?” Or asked another way: “How do we know when we know something?”

For example, Dr. Lewis would say. Prove to me you’re not a brain in a jar in a lab in Topeka, being fed all the electrical impulses necessary to simulate everything you think you’re currently hearing, seeing, touching, feeling, and experiencing. Maybe those scientists at the, whatever, Topeka Brain Institute—maybe they’re feeding your brain random electrical impulses, but because it’s a human brain, or at least possessed of some form of intelligence, its heuristic nature knits those sensations together into some kind of storyline.

It’s a version of the simulation hypothesis: The Topeka Problem. Prove to me—more importantly, prove to yourself—you’re not a brain in a jar in a lab in Topeka.

But you can’t prove a negative, right? Prove to me you’re not a brain—can’t be done. Or prove to me you’re not some random collection of sensations fed to me by those Topeka brain scientists—or, let’s be honest, their interns. You can’t prove to me you’re not a figment of my imagination, a character on the holodeck, a glitch in the matrix, an NPC.

Okay, so let’s posit for a moment that I’m a brain in a jar in a lab in Topeka.

There are now two realities. There’s the reality in the jar in the lab in Topeka, where I’m a brain, being fed electrical impulses.

But there’s also the world I appear to see and hear and touch and feel and experience, where there’s a keyboard under my fingers and air in my lungs and a chair under my butt.

Even if I allow that it’s not real, that it’s a simulation, it’s still the only one of the two realities where I have—or at least appear to have—any agency. Perhaps, because it is simulated, all my choices are preordained—but from my perspective, it doesn’t seem that way.

All of which is to say, as with all questions of meaning, of spirituality, of the great unknowns, my answer is, as always, “I don’t know.” I don’t know if I’m a brain in a jar in a lab in Topeka or a bunch of bits in a universe simulation. Probably am.

But since I at least have the appearance—if not the actual reality—of agency in this world, I’ll choose to participate in it. I can sense it, feel it, relate to it. It seems real to me, and I seem in some way, evolutionarily at least, suited to it. Done conscientiously, intentionally, it’s a leaning toward absurdity—perhaps it’s all meaningless! But what else are you going to do, really? Might as well get in the pool.

It’s fall here now, and I keep catching that musty, frosty smell of autumn leaves cold and damp, and it grounds me. It feels like a tether to something more real than real. The veil always seems to be down somewhat this time of year, whatever that means. The things we can’t see seem glimpsable in the corners of our eyes, the corners of our homes at the witching hour.

I ground myself in the reality I was made for. What is the nature of its—of my—existence? TBD. But accepting what’s in front of me, so to speak, seems like a good—though not perfect—solution to the Topeka Problem.

Too bad I can’t send all that back through time twenty-five years so I’d have it ready to go for Dr. Lewis. I like to think he’d like that answer.

1. Times New Roman

Nineteen years ago—on the day after Christmas 2004—I registered my first Blogspot site. I’d had a few abortive attempts at starting an online writing space ever since discovering Wil Wheaton dot net in college; that was where I learned the word blog.

Maybe it was because I was about to start a graduate program in writing, but that little online space stuck. After about a year, it got an upgrade with its own dot com and email address, and from there, my little site and I went on to publish hundreds of posts, make a bunch of friends, sell enough ads for me to get a couple tiny checks, and even win a couple of very minor awards.

Then, I got my dream job, and because my dream job was located inside a government agency, I shut the site down. I was getting paid to write full-time now, and the site had played host to a various collection of mild political opinions over the years, and I didn’t want anyone from my new audience to think what I was doing wasn’t for them, because it’s for everyone, which is one of the reasons it’s my dream job. Anyway, the site hasn’t existed since 2011, and someone else has come along and bought the URL.

And anyway, by that time, social media had become a replacement for personal blogging, and many of the friendships from my blogging days had now become Facebook- and Twitter-based. The whole project just seemed a little old and bloated. After all, social media was so much more streamlined. Look here: You can just click this link in your sign-up confirmation email, and bam! Unlimited space for half-assed hot takes! Along with photos of the babies your high school friends have been having! Oh look! And their half-assed hot takes! Who knew the head cheerleader was ready to level racial slurs and lawsuit threats at people who don’t share her belief that the world is flat? Who knew the mild-mannered dude who led my college Bible study was a full-on white supremacist? Who knew my friend’s grandma liked the Dave Matthews Band?

I deleted my Facebook account in 2020. I couldn’t watch another presidential election unfold in that environment, and the pandemic made everything so much worse. I had come, over the years, to loathe Facebook in particular among social media sites, because it was the only online space where I regularly was confronted with comments sections that read like the dinner table scene from August: Osage County. In the Trump era, it was de rigueur to witness friendships and families falling to absolute pieces over a Facebook post. I even had some shitty social media interactions with my own family and friends. It was deleterious to my mental health—which is the nice way of saying that by 2020, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d logged into Facebook and not felt like actually killing myself. (I now maintain an account for work, but the only posts I ever create are Instagrams that somehow find their way across the Metaverse to my Facebook feed.) Conversations get heated at Instagram and Twitter, but there’s something about the social media space where grandmas and aunties and drunk uncles all hang out that just seemed to make it so much more toxic and personal.

In the Musk era of Twitter, it’s become fashionable to bemoan the death of personal blogging, so it’s not like I’m breaking any new rhetorical ground here, but man, those were the damn days. And maybe these nostalgists have a point. Blogging had a cost of admission. It was low, but it was a cost. Have all the hot takes you want, but first, you have to do the work of setting up the site, working on your CSS, thinking of something to say, typing it out, and—if you really want to show off—editing what you’ve written before publishing it. Something we know in publishing is that people feel more connection to things they pay for in one way or another. Do you feel more excited to read an issue of a magazine you subscribe to—or one of the free ones in wire racks inside the Mexican restaurant up the street?

So here I am, once again, in an online space I’ve paid for with a little money and a lot of work. I’ve made this entire thing as simple as I can: Black and white theme, Times New Roman font. I may or may not post photos. This is, as the original blog was, a place for me to use and refine my voice in pursuit of better writing and a better online experience after so many years in the social media cesspool. If you’ve got your own online writing space, drop the link in the comments. Let’s dust this old girl off and see how she runs.